I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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