Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
there is glitter all over my balls
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
