just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
