he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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