If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
