my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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