no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
