He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
