I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
