I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
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my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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