slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
