hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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