A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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