....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
