tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
