you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
