It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
