she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
