I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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