I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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