i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
