that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
