The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
love makes seman taste better
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
