Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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