remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
