Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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