So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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