You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
