I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
