i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
