why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
