I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
