i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
No subtext here. People are naked.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
