I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
