i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
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About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
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he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it