it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
