I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm gonna fight the coyote