he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
