I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
