My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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