Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
