Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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