My nipple is on Facebook.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want to fling myself into the sun
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
