They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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