i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
