hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
