apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
