im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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