Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to make out with him forever
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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