I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
