he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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