You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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