hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
