You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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