just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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