i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
