Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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